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January 26th, 2011

Ditch the Rules – Be the Mother YOU Want to Be!


By Pinky McKay

You may have read a dozen books and been to a number of classes and you may have decided exactly what sort of parenting style will work for you.  The thing is that what seemed completely sensible before you had a baby may not actually fit YOUR baby now that he is here.

For instance, I have seen women with neatly printed and ruled routine charts and checklists ready to slot their baby in and then, when their  unique baby doesn’t eat sleep and play according to the routine, the poor mothers are thrown into chaos. The worst thing is that rather than realising that the routine ( prescribed by somebody who doesn’t know YOUR baby) is unhelpful right now, mothers tend to think they are doing something wrong and this self doubt erodes what little confidence they may have.

I have also seen many women who write down every feed, how many minutes, which side, how many wees and poos and how many minutes of sleep their babies have. They strive to find a pattern and become so obsessed about what their baby is doing (or not) that they are not only creating an enormous amount of extra work, but they are so focussed on outcomes that they aren’t spending any time enjoying their baby – gazing and smelling and smooching and ‘drinking in’ this beautiful being.  This is what really matters, not how long your baby sleeps, how often she feeds or whether you have her in a ‘routine’.

Remember, there are no rules.  Now you may be asking, so how do I know what is right and who to believe?  My criteria for discerning what is right –as well as trusting your own feelings – is to step back and check in by asking, ‘is it safe?” and, “is it respectful?” If you want to try some new advice or a new way of being with your baby and if it fits this criteria, then go ahead and see if it works for you and your baby. If what you are doing works for you and your family, it feels right and it is safe and respectful, then this is what is right for you. Of course, babies change so much that just when you feel you have things sorted and working well, suddenly what worked previously may not work so well any more. This is the time to reassess and perhaps try another strategy. Again, if you have any doubts about what you are doing, do your check in – is it safe? Is it respectful? Does it feel right?  This can also work if you are told advice that undermines your parenting.  And, if anything doesn’t feel right to you, step back and allow yourself to watch your baby and wonder ‘how is this working?’ ‘is it helpful?’  This is YOUR baby and YOU are your own best expert.

Pinky McKay is an international Board Certified Lactation Consultant and best selling author of ‘100 Ways to Calm the Crying’, ‘Sleeping Like a Baby’ , Toddler Tactics and ‘Parenting by Heart’. For more information about Pinky and her seminars, consultations and gentle parenting information, check out her site www.pinkymckay.com

Picture Credit: *NEW* Newborn BabyLegs

September 4th, 2009

The Language of Tears

by Pinky McKay


An International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, infant massage instructor and mother of five, Pinky McKay is the author of  ‘100 Ways to Calm the Crying’, Sleeping Like a Baby and Toddler Tactics (Penguin).
Website www.pinkymckay.com.au

“I feel like a really bad mother,” confided Sarah, mother of four month old Molly who, apart from an early bout of colic that was overcome with some simple changes to Sarah’s own diet, has been an easy, happy baby who rarely cries. Sarah explained, “the other mothers at mums’ group all talk about hungry cries, tired cries and angry cries and I am sure I wouldn’t recognise one cry from another.”

It seems there is nothing like infant crying to stir up confusion and strong feelings among mothers – and anyone else who wants to offer their ‘two bobs worth’. How often do we hear, crying is good for the lungs (like bleeding is good for the veins?), or if you pick him up every time he cries, you’ll make a rod for your own back (don’t you like a cuddle if you feel teary?).

Read the rest of this entry »

September 4th, 2009

The Importance of Skin to Skin Contact

by Dr Jack Newman, MD, FRCPC.

There are now a multitude of studies that show that mothers and babies should be together, skin to skin (baby naked, not wrapped in a blanket) immediately after birth, as well as later. The baby is happier, the baby’s temperature is more stable and more normal, the baby’s heart and breathing rates are more stable and more normal, and the baby’s blood sugar is more elevated. Not only that, skin to skin contact immediately after birth allows the baby to be colonized by the same bacteria as the mother. This, plus breastfeeding, are thought to be important in the prevention of allergic diseases. When a baby is put into an incubator, his skin and gut are often colonized by bacteria different from his mother’s.

We now know that this is true not only for the baby born at term and in good health, but also even for the premature baby. Skin to skin contact and can contribute much to the care of the premature baby. Even babies on oxygen can be cared for skin to skin, and this helps reduce their needs for oxygen, and keeps them more stable in other ways as well.

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September 4th, 2009

The Baby is the Book

by Jan Hunt, M.Sc.

Jan Hunt, B.A. Psychology (Magna cum Laude), M.Sc. Counseling Psychology, is the Director of the Natural Child Project, an attachment parenting counselor, and a member of the Board of Directors of the CSPCC (Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children). She is also a member of the advisory boards of Holistic Moms Network, Child-Friendly Initiative, and Attachment Parenting International.

On a recent Internet radio show1, I emphasized that babies are the true experts on parenting. I added that I often ask new parents if they wish they had an expert living with them to help them to figure out what to do next! I told the radio audience to “Just look to the baby. If you’re doing something wrong, the baby will tell you. If you’re doing something right, the baby will tell you that too. Babies know exactly what they need.”

The interviewer neatly summed up these thoughts by adding, “People say the baby doesn’t come with a book, but they do… the baby is the book!” Exactly. It is the baby – and only the baby – who knows just what she needs. She will give us immediate feedback on everything we do. A baby will tell us with frowns and tears when a legitimate need is not being met, and with bright smiles and cuddles when we meet her needs in a loving way. If parents can recognize and embrace this concept, parenting can be much simpler and more joyful than when the baby’s communications are mistrusted and questioned.

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September 4th, 2009

Risks of Controlled Crying

Position Paper 1: Controlled Crying

Issued November 2002; Revised March 2004
The Australian Association for Infant Mental Health Inc. (AAIMHI)
AAIMHI aims (in part) to: improve professional and public recognition that infancy is a critical period in psycho-social development, and  work for the improvement of the mental health and development of all infants and families.

Definition

Controlled crying (also known as controlled comforting and sleep training) is a technique that is widely used as a way of managing infants and young children who do not settle alone or who wake at night. Controlled crying involves leaving the infant to cry for increasingly longer periods of time before providing comfort. The intention of controlled crying is to let babies put themselves to sleep and to stop them from crying or calling out during the night.  AAIMHI is concerned that the widely practiced technique of controlled crying is not consistent with what infants need for their optimal emotional and psychological health, and may have unintended negative consequences. Read the rest of this entry »

September 4th, 2009

Reach Out and Touch Someone

by Pam Leo

Pam Leo is a Parent Educator in Gorham, Maine. She has been a student and teacher of human development for more than 25 years. She is a mother, a grandmother, a parent educator, childbirth educator, a doula, a feature writer for Parent & Family, a motivational speaker on parenting and birth, and a sponsor of community education events. Her life work is to “help create a society in which all parents have the information, resources and support to raise children who can realize the promise of their potential.” For more information visit www.connectionparenting.com

“One of our most important parenting tools is literally at our fingertips.” – Pam Leo

In many other cultures babies experience abundant touch. They are and always have been breast-fed, massaged, carried or worn in slings during the day and beside their parents at night. Cross-cultural studies show that infants, who are cared for in this way are: more social, more alert, less fussy and restless, sleep better, have smoother movements, and better intellectual and motor development than infants who spend the majority of their time out of human contact, untouched, in infant seats, car seats, swings, strollers, and cribs. Touch is one of our basic needs. As early as the 7th week of pregnancy, a baby reacts to touch. Touch is the earliest sense to develop and the last one to leave us at the end of life. Studies show that both people and animals develop very slowly and even die if they are denied touch. Mariana Caplan, in her book, Untouched, states that, “Many people actually become sick because they are touch-starved. Dr. Theresa Crenshaw explains that touch alters the chemical composition of the body and states that, “Lack of touch is as detrimental to health as lack of Vitamin C. Children crave and biologically need nurturing touch for the nervous system to develop normally and for optimal growth and development. Read the rest of this entry »

September 4th, 2009

The Crying Game – Top tips to soothe your baby’s sobs

by Pinky McKay

An International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, infant massage instructor and mother of five, Pinky McKay is the author of  ‘100 Ways to Calm the Crying’, Sleeping Like a Baby and Toddler Tactics (Penguin). Website www.pinkymckay.com.au

Crying is your baby’s language. At first, it is pretty much the only way an infant can communicate his needs and express feelings like discomfort, hunger, exhaustion and loneliness. It is also the only way he can release pent up stress.  As your baby grows he will learn other ways to communicate—through facial expressions, body language and, eventually, by telling you how he feels and what he needs. For now, though, here are some tips to help you soothe the sobs:

1. Learn your baby’s language: by learning your baby’s pre-cry signals – wriggling, anxious facial expressions, little grimaces, flailing arms, ‘rooting’ at the breast, changes in breathing, and little noises that say” I am working up to a cry”, you will be able to see when she is bored, frightened, hungry, tired or overwhelmed, and by responding accordingly, you may be able to avert full-blown crying. Read the rest of this entry »